Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Heart, mind and soul

     It's been a few days since my last post.  My wonderful other half has been home since Sunday.  My heart has missed him so much.  I know people talk about soul mates and how silly, childish and even corny it sounds.  To me, it's just what he is.  Aaron is my other half; the other half of my heart, my mind and even my soul.
     When I get angry, and boy can I get angry, I tell him that I don't need him.  I tell him he's only here because I want him to be here.  It's so far from the truth it's scary.  I don't know what I would do if he weren't to be in days and nights.
     Maybe it's because our anniversary is this month, that my heart feels the need of him so much.  I don't know, maybe it's because he's been gone for so long this time.  I'm used to him being gone for hours, maybe a day or two thanks to work, but a whole month, is almost unbearable.  I say "almost" because I have survived it.  Surviving is what it feels like.  I can't say "lived" because I get through one day with only the knowledge that tomorrow is a fresh new day.  New days are full of hope and promises yet to be fulfilled.
     Having him home is bittersweet.  I am so very happy to look over and see his face, to touch his hair, or smell his skin.  It's almost been like a honeymoon, again.  That's the sweet of it.  The bitter is knowing he'll be leaving again.  Leaving for who knows how long.  My heart is just hovering, waiting for the call.  I know it's what needs to be, and logically it makes all the sense it needs too.
     People thought we would never make it as long as we have.  I was one of them.  Of course when my mother asked me if I could see myself waking up next to him for the rest of my life, I answered yes.  Simply said, "Yes".  I looked forward in my vivid imagination and imagined us in bed, rolling over over to look at each other with wrinkles and grey hair, and I could really see it.  Now looking back at the last 17 years of marriage and the single year we were together first, makes it seem like it has already been the "rest of my life".  It almost feels like I have gotten more than I should have hoped for, and more than most.  I still have hope for my love for my husband and a hope filled destiny.
     In our world, today, love and especially marriage is completely disposable.  It's become a rarity for marriages to last a few years, several years and especially a lifetime.  Life long marriages are definitely part of our endangered lifestyle.

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